my story,,,,,,,,,, kristian

i hated being pregg with kristian ,,,,,, didn't feel ready and even considered a termination,,,,,,
having a scan was horrendous,,,,,,, it looked like i was carrying an alien and had to run to the toilet to be sick,,,,,,

it was quite an uneventful pg,, bt wen kristian's head became unengaged,,, the doc decided to induce me ,,,,,,,, on his due date which was the 17th July,,,,,,,he was born 21st July

i had three lots of pesseries(sp),,, didn't work,, had my waters broke ,,,,,, they just trickled not nice at all,,,, still didn't work,, so they decided to put me on a drip can't remember wot that was called ,,, bt boy my contractions came so fast and they bloody hurt,,i think cuz the pain didn't build up just bam straight away that it was just too much,,,,,, i had gas and air bt the bloody thing wasn't strong enuf,,,,, a rather young mid wife sed i wasn't doing it right ,,,,, so i politely told her to feck off,,,i also had pethadine ,,, that made me sleep for a while ,,,,,,,

there are parts of my labour that i can't remember,,,,, roughly 2hrs,,, nxt thing i do remember is blood all over my moms dress and the drip was in my other arm ,,,, mom told me i had ripped it out and they had to put it in the other arm,,,,,,, finally i was given an epidural,,,,,,,, god only knows how he got it in i was in so much pain i cud hardly keep still,,,,,,,, then it was pure bliss,,,,,, no pain

went to sleep again,,,,, the mid wife woke me up cuz it was time to start pushing,,,,,, wen the head came out she told me to stop pushing cuz the cord was round his neck three times,,,,, i felt nothing emotionally,,,,,,, wen he was born he didn't cry again ,,,,,, didn't care,,,, the mid wife got him on the resusitaition table and started to suctio him and slap his ass ,,,, still didn't care,,,,,, they sent for a peadirition(sp) bt he started breathing befor he got there ,,,,,, after they cut the cord i refused to hold him so he was handeed to his dick head of a father,,,,,, the mid wife started to look concerned cuz i wudn't hold him so thought i had better ,,,,,, bt i felt no surge of love or bonding i felt nothing,,,,,,, i loved him bt it felt like duty ,,,,,,, its hard to explain,,,,,, i did everything that needed to be done for him bt again it was duty not cuz i wanted to,,,, he stopped breathing three times b4 he was 3 months,,, he was already a very hard baby,,,,, then suddenly at 3 months i felt such a surge of love ,,,,,, i had finally bonded with my baby,,,,,, i loved him and most importantly i liked him,,,,,,,

phew that was long

liz xx

God Liz thats scary i cant imagine not loving my baby from the seconds it was born, but it does happen im so glad you managed to find the love for him though:)